Flora, Fauna, and Flonqing Psychopathic Clones
by Fionny
Summary: Sam Guthrie has a... chat... with Stryfe. Sillyfic.


Ah, the woods of northern Pennsylvania. Their tall firs, their graceful oaks, their sloping hills and fluffy bunnies. The peaceful little meadow. The beauty of America in its purest form. 

It's a shame such a serene setting is wasted, for the two men in the meadow care not for the flora and fauna. 

"YouÕve got to be kidding." Stryfe allowed himself a few moments of amusement. He could destroy NathanÕs protege in a few minutes. 

"No, AhÕm serious. This is a ten minute truce, and you are going to tell me. This cell phone has a global positioning device in it, compliments of Forge. ThereÕs a computer back at the mansion that can pinpoint my cell phone at any time. If that doesnÕt work, Xavier could hop onto Cerebro to find me." 

"IÕll simply have to kill you before you have that chance." 

Sam pressed a button on the cell phone. ÒCable? AhÕm sorry youÕve been on hold so long, but Ah canÕt talk right now. If Ah donÕt call you back in ten minutes, AhÕm dead. Please retrieve my body.Ó He ended the call and looked over at Stryfe. ÒOkay, we have about eight minutes.Ó 

ÒYou told Dayspring ten.Ó 

ÒYah really think that heÕs going to hear a message like that and not wonder whatÕs going on? No, heÕs going to be in the PACRAT in about three minutes, with the whole gang in tow. When he sits at the control panels, heÕll see the note Ah left him. ÔDear Nate, went to see Stryfe. Sam.Õ Somehow, Ah donÕt think that will go over well.Ó 

Stryfe considered this. The boy was intelligent, and his plan -was- rather impeccable. He wasnÕt adequately prepared to handle Cable and all of those idiots in X-Force right now. ÒFine, I wonÕt kill you.Ó 

ÒYou canÕt kill me anyway. AhÕm immortal.Ó Sam smiled smugly. ÒAre you going to help me or not?Ó 

ÒWhy should I bother helping you, especially when the person IÕd truly be helping is Dayspring?Ó 

ÒBecause Ah could call Cable right now and sound like Ah was in my death throes.Ó Sam wiggled the cell phone enticingly. ÒThat ought to get the blood lust going.Ó 

The Chaos-Bringer was becoming annoyed. He grabbed the phone telekinetically, hoping to wrench it from the blondÕs grasp. 

He wasnÕt expecting Sam to blast with the cell phone still clenched in his hand. He -really- wasnÕt expecting Sam to blast in the same direction the phone was being pulled. He certainly wasnÕt expecting to be plowed into a a very thick oak tree when the young man crashed into his stomach. 

ÒWeÕre wasting time. Just tell me.Ó 

Stryfe glared up from the pile of sticks and leaves. ÒHow do you even know that itÕs his birthday?Ó 

"He was born in the here-and-now. Ah asked Scott." Sam shrugged. "ItÕs not like itÕs a national secret." 

Stryfe threw a chunk of wood in SamÕs general direction, but at the last second steered it away. ÒCouldnÕt you come up with something a bit more creative to give him?Ó 

ÒTheresa got him a really nice stereo last year. That got ruined when our base blew up. Bobby's given him a membership to a gym before - he was banned for bringing weapons in. Something about a rifle discharging when he was on the Stairmaster. Caliban has made him decoupage lockboxes for his guns, but that's a little too juvenile and sticky for me. Dom gives him mind-blowing sex, Ah donÕt think that would be a welcome gift for me. Domino would kill me if Nate didnÕt. HeÕs been given guns, but heÕs violent enough, wouldnÕt you say? Ah just thought AhÕd give him something heÕd use in a peaceful way.Ó 

ÒCouldnÕt you just look at the things he has? Why bother me?Ó 

ÒHeÕs had them so long that all the writing on the tags has worn off.Ó 

Stryfe sighed. There really was no point in prolonging this discussion. He had no choice but to tell him. Ò52 long.Ó 

ÒThanks, Ah knew youÕd help me out.Ó 

ÒJust donÕt buy anything corduroy. It chafes my skin so much.Ó 

Sam sat down on the tree he and Stryfe had knocked over and watched Stryfe become a small speck in the horizon. 

Behind him, he heard the roar of the PACRAT. He turned just in time to see Cable jump out of the still-moving craft, an overly large plasma rifle in each hand. 

"CANNONBALL!!!" He could see Nate running through the trees. Caliban and Domino were jumping out of the hovering PACRAT. It was only a matter of time before they found him. 

"Ah'm over here, Nate. Where are Terry, James, Tabs, and Bobby?" 

The trees that were in the older man's way were quickly shot down. "Where are -they-? Where's Stryfe?" 

"Ah asked first." 

"They're in the PACRAT. Where's Stryfe?" 

"He's gone." 

"You let Stryfe go?" 

"'Course. He told me all Ah needed to know." 

"What? What did he tell you? What is that flonqing bastard planning now?" 

"Ah can't tell you." 

"Why the flonq not?!" 

"It'd spoil the surprise." 

"What surprise?" 

"Ah told you Ah can't tell you that." 

"Just whose side are you on?" 

Sam felt something press against his mental shields. Cable obviously thought he was under Stryfe's control or, at the very least, completely insane. He should probably stop grinning, but, between Nate's panic and Caliban chasing rabbits, it was too hard. 

Cable stepped toward him. "Son...listen to me...I don't want to hurt you..." 

"CALIBAN!" Domino shrieked as she dodged debris. The former morlock had nearly toppled a tree onto her, in his attempt to catch a small grey rabbit. She pulled a handgun from her waistband. 

She fired. 

"WAAAAAAHHH!" Sam calmly wiped rabbit guts off his face. 

"Ah'm not crazy. Ah swear, Nate." 

"Patch-Eye killed bunny!" 

"Sam, you let Stryfe go. That's about as nuts as it gets." 

The PACRAT hovered over the small meadow. "Did you guys find Sam yet? Theresa left the door open. I'm being bitten to bits by these mosquitos." 

"Shut up, Tabitha!" 

"No, you shut up, 'berto!" 

"Sam, stop laughing. You're only antagonizing Nate." 

And so we must this beautiful meadow, with its bunnies, its buttercups, its babbling brook, and its shouting mutant attack force before things really get ugly. 


End file.
